2015 Reflections ~ 2016 Intentions

Elijah House

Elijah House

For me, 2015 started at Thanksgiving 2014. As was often true for me during the holidays, I was focused on what was missing in my life and feeling depressed. I was stuck in the writing of my memoir and felt the need for guidance. I thought time away might give me the direction I needed. And so I made arrangements for a silent retreat in Elijah House, a cottage in the woods at the Transfiguration Center of Spiritual Renewal near West Milton, Ohio. Last year on New Years Day, I wrote about the still, small voice of the Divine within giving me what I hoped for that weekend–clear guidance for how to write and deepen my memoir to serve a higher purpose. I set my 2015 intention to increase my awareness of the light of grace in the midst of life’s messiness.

Well, 2015 was certainly a grace-filled, messy year. My condo was no longer serving me and in January the way opened for me to move. The end of April I put it up for sale. At the same time, I found an editor for my memoir. I’d been impressed with some of her online comments about the way she works, and when I read, “I want my clients to know I’m their biggest cheerleader and greatest fan,” I knew she was the editor for me.

Cheerleader

The condo selling/home searching process was messy. I continued to work on my memoir while my condo didn’t sell and properties I liked did. My faithful friends assured me the right place for me wasn’t available yet and when it was, my condo would sell. They were right. In August, a buyer appeared and I found the perfect home for me.

The middle of September, I sent my manuscript to my editor. I told her I wasn’t in a hurry for her feedback because I’d be busy with moving. As my focus switched from writing to rehabbing my home, I convinced myself my memoir wasn’t that good and would probably never be published. I decided to be grateful for the transformation I experienced in writing it and for the healing in my relationship with my daughter. If all the work I put into it came to nothing more, that was a lot for which to be thankful.

On October 5, I took possession of the house and began the rehab process. On October 15, I moved in. By Thanksgiving I was settled enough to host a family dinner. Being in a house with a meditation room overlooking a woods and a creek gives me much joy.

Sun on trees

On November 29, I received my editor’s first comments. When I saw it drop into my inbox, I started shaking. I did a few things around the house to work up the courage to read it. I’d been discouraged by critical feedback in the past and braced myself to face the fact that I just wasn’t cut out to be a memoir writer. Oh, ye of little trust.

I headed for the recliner in my meditation room to read her four pages of comments. While most pointed to what needed revising, my confidence was bolstered by these words: “Part I, in particular, will need reworking to bring it to the quality of the rest of the manuscript.”

She went on: “…your manuscript is eminently publishable and quite astonishing. It is more intelligently written, more thoughtful, and more reflective than many memoirs I’ve read…”

I sat there stunned and thinking: she sees me very differently than I see myself. This woman from Wyoming who I’ve never met in person or talked with on the phone had seen into my soul.Full Circle

Judy brought me full circle, validating the message I received at my silent retreat about the deeper message in my memoir and the way I was to write it. In our further correspondence, she continues to change my perception of myself. And I am definitely experiencing her as my biggest cheerleader and greatest fan. Grace brought us together.

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~Corrie ten Boom

And so, at the end of 2015, I stand in awe at the light of grace. As my memoir attests, my awakening has been a long one and is a process of reawakening and reawakening.

And my intention for 2016: Increase my trust in the light of the Divine within me and all of us. Be faithful to my part in co-creating a better world by risking revealing my messy true self–the one I write about in A Long Awakening to Grace.

When we’re willing to be imperfect and real, the gifts of courage, compassion, and connection just keep giving. Paraphrased from Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection.

A Moving Re-creation

Moving, even when desired, is considered one of the top five stressful life events because it disrupts our routine. I took possession of my new home on October 5 and immediately began to try to create order out of chaos and beauty out of deterioration. This was definitely a departure from my routine.

As I admitted in my last blog post, I find messiness difficult to live with. A bit of a miracle has occurred since my silent retreat a year ago. Walking in the woods for an hour a day gave me new appreciation for the messiness and majesty of nature. Since then, I’ve felt drawn to trees. And so I chose a house overlooking a woods. This is the view of my back yard.

WOODS

My real growth is evident, however, in that the messiness of the house did not deter me from purchasing it. The bones were good, but it had not been updated since it was built about twenty-two years ago. I determined to have fun revitalizing it — considering it a form of recreation. I had no idea it would also be a form of re-creation. In truth, it hasn’t all been fun, but I’ve been meeting my challenges assertively. This conflict avoider is being re-created one step at a time.

I moved on October 15 and set about finding just the “right” place for my belongings. With my penchant for order, I actually enjoy this activity.

My sun room overlooks the woods. I envision this as my meditation/reading room. This morning is the first opportunity I’ve had to enjoy it.

Meditation Room

I picked up James R. Newby’s book, Sacred Chaos, and found this quote that made me smile.

In the mythology of Genesis we are created out of chaos, and it is out of the chaos in our lives that we are re-created over and over again as we seek spiritual intimacy. It is a continuous cycle of God and us, co-creating new beings, out of which we give birth to dancing stars.

cosmos

Let’s dance!